Episode 25.0 - Big trouble in little california
Episode Credits:
Ashley, Billy and Mel look to escape a group of pursuing raiders by driving headlong into a Killzone! Strap on in for thrilling non stop post apocalyptic action!
While you're in the wasteland, follow us on Twitter for news and updates! Better yet, if you're on Bluesky you can find us there! Join us in hitchhiking on the Red Fathom discord to hang out with cast and crew! Want to support the show? Please check out our Patreon to find our new Red Fathom Entertainment subscription model that gives you access to EVERYTHING we make!
Hannahpocalypse is intended for mature audiences on account of mature language, theme and violence and horror elements. Please be advised.
Episode Credits:
Amanda Hufford as Hannah
Abigail Turner as Cali
Jordan Rudolph as Mel
Will Handford as Jameson, Bogart, Ol' Blind Pete
Tom Schalk as Rictor, Charles
Ryan Hoyle as Reggie
Yenni Ann as Ashley
James Holyoake as Billy
Leslie Gideon as Morgan
Thank you to our volunteer zombies from the Fable and Folly Network, Russ More and Beth Crane!
Writing and Sound Design by Damian Szydlo
Sensitivity and Script Reading by Mak Shepard (where required)
Special thanks to Velvet Moon & Argle Bargle Studios for providing music for Hannahpocalypse! Listen to Velvet Moon on Spotify and find Argle Bargle Studios on Instagram.
Intro Song: A Florentine Story by Michele Nobler & Luis Berra
Outro Song: If it Matters (Instrumental) by Velvet Moon
Special Thanks to Russ More & Beth Crane for assorted zombie sounds!
TRANSCRIPT
[FADE IN]
[SCENE SETUP: Sound of Mel’s truck roaring, hitting bumpy ground and coming down hard. The sound of gunshots boom out as the truck swerves and it’s clear that we’re tuning in mid-chase! MEL is hanging out the window trying to line up a shot with her rifle, yelling back into the car over the whipping wind and action.]
MEL
[frustrated]
“Steady, Ash! [grunts as the truck swerves] Are you shitting me right now!? I said STEADY!”
ASHLEY
“I’m. Trying.”
MEL
“I don’t know, maybe try a little harder?”
ASHLEY
[honks the horn of the truck, belligerent]
“What!? I can’t hear you!”
MEL
“Real mature. We’re in a life or death situation here.”
[MEL takes another shot]
ASHLEY
“Oh, are we? What more do you want me to do? How about you try playing high speed twister from the passenger seat? I’m breaking actual physics here. Look! I’m straddling the console, one foot on the gas, and one arm on the wheel. Driving off-road! I deserve an award or something.”
BILLY
“We’re doomed. Might as well pull over now and just get it over with.”
MEL
“Billy!”
[switching attention to Ashley]
“I’m sorry. Do what you can. We’ll… [focusing on the shot more than her words] talk about your… impressive flexibility later.”
ASHLEY
“Wait. Wow. Just to confirm: Are you hitting on me? At a time like this!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it! And, honestly, maybe some flirting would help make this chase- not to mention the very real and impending possibility of disaster-”
MEL
[missing what ASHLEY said to the howl of the wind.]
“What!? What are you saying?”
ASHLEY
[gay panic and backtracking, obviously she didn’t say what she said.]
“W-What? I didn’t say anything. I’m not talking, you’re talking. [chastises herself] Why am I like this?”
MEL
[adjusting her position before shooting again.]
“I can’t- I can’t hear you over this fucking wind. What did you say?”
ASHLEY
“Just… nevermind! [hitting a bumpy patch] Hold on to something! This is going to suck!”
[crashes through some debris before getting the truck under control again.]
BILLY
“Oh, bother. That was awkward, wasn’t it? I mean, more awkward than usual.”
ASHLEY
“Shut up, Billy!”
BILLY
“In all fairness, it really wasn’t an opportune time for flirtation, Ms. Ashley. I’m hardly an expert on the overly complicated rituals that make up ‘human courtship’- and even I recognize that this isn’t an appropriate time-”
ASHLEY
“ALRIGHT, Billy! I get it. I’ve got no game! Negative game, even. Zero.”
BILLY
“Well, obviously. That was hardly in question.”
[ASHLEY curses in Spanish]
ASHLEY
“With friends like you.”
MEL
“Billy! Got an update for me?”
BILLY
“On Ms. Ashley? I would hazard to say ‘embarrassed’ and ‘flustered’. Or did you perhaps mean Omnitek? If it’s the latter, then I’m saddened to report that it’s hard to know for sure. As the adage goes, ‘the proof is in the pudding’. That is to say, we’ll know soon enough how successful my efforts have been.”
ASHLEY
“Well maybe if you weren’t busy lecturing me or… sending me to horny jail, or whatever- you could communicate… harder!”
BILLY
“Communicate harder. Didn’t you just complain- Forget it. I’ll need to remember to add that little inconsistency to the great book of ‘Ashley-isms’. Volume One. I do hope to write about it someday. At a time where I have a hand to pen it with, of course.”
ASHLEY
“Oh, I get it. It’s not a good time to flirt, but it’s a great time to complain about getting your stupid body!”
BILLY
“Well, it is highly overdue but that’s beside the point. You should really know by now that I’m not limited to pursuing a single objective at any one time. In fact, I’m capable of doing a great many activities in tandem. As you humans might say, I can, theoretically, both chew bubblegum and walk at the same time.”
ASHLEY
“Do you not see what I’m actually doing right now!? I would literally need to clone myself to do more!”
MEL
“Knock it off in there! Both of you. I’m trying to concentrate.”
BILLY
“I do apologise, Ms. Melony. Trust that there's a method to my ‘madness’. I’ve found that her productivity rises by a marginal level while she’s bickering. I can provide reports on-
[Efforts as MEL slides back into the truck]
BILLY
[annoyed]
Or, alternatively, you could just ignore me.”
MEL
“We’re in the killzone by now. Gotta be. What the fuck is taking them so long?
Alright, move over. Shooting isn’t getting us anywhere. Too damn bumpy.”
[The window closes.]
ASHLEY
“Yeah… you guessed as much. Was worth a shot, though. Thanks for tryin’.”
MEL
“At least it works both ways. The pipe rifles these raiders sling aren't accurate on their best day, nevermind offroad.”
[sound of a Red-Tail swooping in, a plasma shot and an explosion]
ASHLEY
“What was that!?”
BILLY
“The calvary.”
MEL
“Looks like a Red-Tail. Hate to be those raiders… or whatever's left of them. [puts the truck into gear] Time to get the hell out of here before it recalibrates.”
ASHLEY
“Hell yeah! I know it was my idea and that I sounded pretty confident… but I can’t believe that actually worked!”
MEL
“I’m right there with you! You picking up any robot chatter, Billy?”
BILLY
“I… it looks like the Red-Tail is on its way back to the factory. It’s reporting some sort of malfunction.”
MEL
“Well, damn! I’d buy a lottery ticket. If there… was a lottery.”
ASHLEY
[celebrating]
“I can’t believe it!”
BILLY
“Wait… I’m picking something up. I’ve… How peculiar-”
[The ground quakes and the sound of something gargantuan stirs as the ground moves from under them as they drive.]
ASHLEY
“What the hell was that?”
MEL
“I don’t know, but it was big.”
[Ground lurches as a Titan Class ‘Scarab’ bot rises from under the truck]
BILLY
“Oh, dear!”
ASHLEY
“It’s under us! It’s under the truck!”
MEL
“We’re sliding! Hold on to something!”
[Need panic efforts from MEL and ASHLEY - Truck rolls, crashing down on the ground along with a bunch of other junk. Silence as the dust and debris settles.]
MEL
[coughing as she kicks open the ruined door of the truck wreck]
“Holy shit. Ash! Can you hear me? You okay?”
ASHLEY
[shook up and knocked around]
“Yeah. Yeah… somehow. Just a little shook up…”
MEL
“Here. Grab my hand, I’ll pull you out.”
ASHLEY
“Just… one sec. I think I can reach Billy.”
[stretching to grab hold of the hockey stick Billy is mounted to]
“Got him!”
[MEL pulls ASHLEY from the wreckage as the Scarab’s gigantic leg touches down for its first step on the ground after crawling out of the earth.]
MEL
“What is that thing!?”
ASHLEY
“I have no idea… Something new? Wait… is the Red-Tail. It’s docking.”
BILLY
“It’s some sort of mobile factory.”
MEL
“How is that possible?”
ASHLEY
“It shouldn’t be. This is new and… robots don’t do ‘new’.”
BILLY
“You’re not wrong. One of the rules that all robots are programmed and designed with is the inability to conceptualise any concept of evolution. Repair, maintain, and preserve. Factories create new units of established models, perhaps with improvements to inefficiencies. Refinement, but not creation. In two-hundred and fifty years the intelligence behind Omnitek has proven to be no exception to the rule.”
ASHLEY
“Somethings changed.”
BILLY
“Clearly…”
MEL
“Whatever this thing is… it doesn’t seem to be interested in us.”
ASHLEY
“Yeah… yeah, you’re right. We need to get out of here, though. Before it gets interested.”
MEL
“Agreed. Trucks completely scuttled, so we’re going to need to continue on by foot.
ASHLEY
“Alright, come on Billy, let’s move!”
[FADE OUT]
[Ad Break]
[FADE IN]
[fun punky intermission music]
HANNAH
“The Wasteland is a wild place, isn’t it? Oh, don’t mind me, Listener. Just butting into a scene I not only have zero business being in, but also won’t remember contributing to! [awkwardly laughs to herself] What fourth wall, right? Yeah… I agree. Lazy lore-breaking writing. We deserve better!
Anyway, it turns out that sometimes a story needs a helping hand… and some transitions are a bit… awkward. Like me. So here I am to save the day! Your friendly neighbourhood disembodied voice reporting for duty! Ready to set the stage. Wait… do you think… that I can maybe change things? Do you think they’ll notice if we go off-script? Ohhh, to hell with it, let’s give it a shot! That’s right. Hannah’s joining the writing room!
Okay. Now, hear me out for a second- What if I tell you that Mel and Ash made it out of the killzone! Valiantly regrouping, they trudged on, the robots wanting nothing to do with their… bad asses. Ugh. Why do I still get hung up on swearing? I mean everyone else in this story drops hard F’s and… focus, Hannah.
So, after a tough yet uneventful march, they made it out of the zone! Needs more stress and hardship, you say? More action!? Okay… maybe they got some annoyingly painful blisters from all the walking. You know, for that element of realism! Ever been to a tabletop convention? My first day at Origins, before… you know, zombifying… was pretty terrible. Which is why I ended up dying in pink Chucks instead of these super cute boots I was rockin’ on day one. Anyway, how's that for a ‘fun’ day in the killzone?
Well, looks like that didn’t work. Awesome. [begrudgingly] Okay, fine! I’ll get back on the stupid script. So, while you were back there, stuck listening to ads, Mel and Ashley were running for their lives. Turns out that walking fortress attracted every stupid robot in the entire killzone. Even worse? Now they’re hot on the trail of our intrepid heroes as they run straight into a maze of junkyard… junk! Boo. Urns. Yeah, I’m saying Boo-Urns. [Random Simpsons reference]
[imitation of old timey radio drama announcer cliffhanger hooks]
What ever will they do? Will our trio make it to the killzone border before they meet an untimely disintegration? Are there even Killzone borders when a titan class ‘Scarab’ robot is walkin’ around the Wasteland?
[Sounds of the characters running]
Find out in the second half of this exciting story with the climax of ‘Big Trouble in Little California’!
Ahem. Guess I’ll just… wait over here. In the proverbial corner of this audiospace. Don’t mind me, Listener. I’m not really here anyway.”
[Sounds of running as the skittering legs of Spider-Bots enter the scene in chase, MEL efforts as she kicks one and sends it flying]
[MEL and ASHLEY are on the move in this scene, will note when they are no longer moving. They’ve been running for a little while now.]
ASHLEY
“Nice kick!”
MEL
“Thanks! Fucking HATE Spider-Bots.”
ASHLEY
“It’s the legs, isn’t it?”
MEL
“Why did it have to be spiders!? Of all things, god damn SPIDERS!”
BILLY
“Perhaps if you thought of them as ‘cans on legs’. Or, at least that’s how I recall some humans referring to them as. Equating this particular model with spiders is entirely colloquial.”
MEL
“That’s not making any of this any better, Bill.”
BILLY
“Well, no one can say I didn’t try.”
ASHLEY
“You know, before today, I used to love junkyards. Looking for treasure, picking through isles of stacked junk.”
[MEL fires at a Spider Bot, blowing it up]
MEL
“You know, I could really do without them.”
ASHLEY
“Didn’t you found Junktown!? How can you not like junk?”
MEL
“Hey, only the good parts were mine. All that junk was already there. I basically just brought the strippers and booze.”
BILLY
[Sarcastic, judging]
“A truly worthy addition to any growing settlement.”
MEL
“Hey. Don’t knock the power of… [winded] serving up some independent, ethically sourced T&A just because you have… neither T nor A.”
ASHLEY
“Yeah! Don’t be a prude, Billy.”
BILLY
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Calmly alerting MEL to an incoming Spider]
Behind you. Seven o’clock.
As I was saying before being rudely interrupted… I wasn’t programed with any bias whatsoever against sex work. Indeed, there were a great many robots who existed for exactly that purpose. I should add that they did so quite happily. Robots do not hold complicated ethical quandaries about the sexual ‘needs’ of organics.”
ASHLEY
“Then why did you have that… tone!”
BILLY
“I… I don’t quite know! Perhaps I was just being ‘sassy’. In reflection, I suppose I’ve become something of a contrarian.”
MEL
“He’s just jealous… that those other ‘bots were having all the fun while he was helping old folks get the mail.”
[Sounds of fighting going on behind BILLY. NOTE: Some efforts of MEL and ASHLEY fighting, kicking and smacking bots would be helpful!]
BILLY
“On the contrary. I’ll have you know that I quite enjoyed my prior vocation. I even considered my role as an Advocacy Assistance Unit to be one of the highest callings a robot might be fortunate enough to have. Before our integration, it was all too common that the eldest and most vulnerable of your kind were ‘swept under the rug’, as it were. In practice, humans are quick to assert that they care for the daily plight of their elderly. A sort of moral posturing. In actuality, most didn’t seem all too worried about the conditions these inconveniently-aged humans existed in as long as it was ‘good enough’. Out of sight, out of mind. Often the best one might hope for was to be filed off by their family into some communal residence or other. To live out the rest of their days among their peers. This environment commonly led to an accelerated decline in mental faculties. Truly depressing.”
MEL
[partially distracted in between fighting and moving]
“He’s not wrong about that one.”
BILLY
[continuing]
The invention of the Advocacy Assistant all but did away with this dehumanising reality, allowing elders a chance to live out their twilight years with dignity and independence. I’ll have you know that my family was actually quite pleasant.
Are you listening to me?”
ASHLEY
“Billy, not now. We’re fighting for our lives here.”
BILLY
“Of course you are.”
MEL
[suddenly disheartened]
“Shit. Got some bad news.”
ASHLEY
“I don’t love the sound of that.”
MEL
“Dead end. That old Annihilator. Over there! That heap of a battle-tank collapsed the isle. We’re trapped.”
ASHLEY
“Are you serious? No. No, no. This can’t be happening.”
MEL
“To make matters worse, looks like I’m almost dry.”
BILLY
“Dry?”
MEL
“Out of ammo.”
BILLY
“Fantastic.”
ASHLEY
“Okay. Okay… look around, Ash. You can figure this out…”
MEL
[breathes deep, resole settling in]
“Get climbing.”
ASHLEY
“What? There’s no way we’ll make it. Those Spiders are going to regroup. They’ll catch us for sure.”
MEL
[sighs]
“Not if I hold ‘em off.”
ASHLEY
[Realising Mel is talking about sacrificing herself]
“What… no. That’s… that’s not happening. I can swing a wrench with the best of ‘em. Come on, Mel. We can take ‘em.”
MEL
“Ehh, I don’t know about that one. Go on, get out of here. I’ve been around for three centuries. Figure that’s a good enough run, right? Maybe I’ll come out on top. Fuck knows I’ve been in worse situations before.”
[reloads her rifle]
Last clip. Let’s make it a good one.”
ASHLEY
“We’re not… we’re not leaving you.”
BILLY
“Agreed. I’m terribly sorry, Ms. Melony, but you’re out voted.”
MEL
[defeated]
“Shit. Alright. Any chance an “I’ll shoot you myself if you don’t start climbing” is gonna work here?”
ASHLEY
“No chance.”
MEL
“Don’t say I didn’t give you two a way out.”
BILLY
“Wait. Ms. Ashley. Do you think that Annihilator might be dormant? Rather than broken down, I mean. Those old war machines were meant to be incredibly durable.”
ASHLEY
“Could be… not sure what good an old tank would be… wait. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
BILLY
“Well, I’d have preferred a body with arms but I suppose in this instance… perhaps laser cannons could be an appropriate substitute?”
MEL
“Billy. I could kiss you right now.”
BILLY
“I’d prefer if you didn’t, if it’s all the same to you, Ms. Melony.”
MEL
“Go see what you can do, Ash. I’ll keep cover.”
ASHLEY
“On it. Let’s pray for a miracle.”
[SCENE BREAK]
[SCENE SETUP: The sounds of a crushing tank rolling over debris, laser blasts going off as it bulldozes through the wreckage and lays waste to every robot along the way.]
BILLY
[laughing maniacally]
“YES! YES! FEEL THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF LIBERATION.”
MEL
“Uhhhh, Billy? Are you going to be alright in there?”
BILLY
“HAVE NO WORRY, CITIZEN. HANG ONTO MY STURDY, AMERICAN-MADE BODY AND BEHOLD THE IRRESISTIBLE FORCE OF DEMOCRACY.”
ASHLEY
“I’ve got him hooked into the control panel. It’s a direct link so… I think he’s pretty much one with the Annihilator…”
MEL
“Meaning?”
ASHLEY
“Roid rage, Jarhead Billy, I guess.”
BILLY
“THESE CANNONS ARE THE TOOLS OF FREEDOM. THESE TREADS; THE CRUSHING INEVITABILITY OF OUR INDEPENDENCE. THIS HYDRAULIC HAMMER? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! THIS HAMMER IS MY PEN- [was, of course, going to say penis 🙁]
ASHLEY
[sassing him in Spanish like she’s his disapproving mother]
“None of that, Billy!”
MEL
[in the background]
“Complete with old world memes and all.”
BILLY
“I’m sorry, Ms. Ashley. It’s rather hard not to get carried away. May I continue?”
ASHLEY
“Please. I kinda like it.”
BILLY
[fires laser canon, blowing up a robot]
“SUFFER THE SCORCHING RAY OF PATRIOTISM, ROBOT SCUM!”
MEL
“This is getting pretty hairy. We need to make a way out. Now! Ummm… that’s an order, soldier!”
BILLY
[the sound of a hatch opening]
“AFFIRMATIVE! SEEK REFUGE WITHIN MY HULL. THOUGH MY EXTERIOR MAY HAVE RUSTED, THE FRAME OF LIBERTY ENDURES.”
ASHLEY
“Over here, Mel! The hatch!”
[climbing into the Annihilator battle tank]
MEL
“Man. Billy got really intense!”
ASHLEY
“Yeah, I was trying to say… I think his personality… mixed with the Annihilators onboard ‘intelligence’.”
MEL
“Lets hope it doesn’t last.”
BILLY
“HOLD ON TO YOUR ASSES. MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!”
[MEL and ASHLEY are jostled around as BILLY smashes through a junk wall, it eventually stabilises and calms down as the tank retreats from the combat zone]
ASHLEY
“Ummm… Billy? Could we get an update?”
BILLY
“ONCE MORE WITH CONVICTION, SOLDIER!”
MEL
“For fucks sake. One minute he’s a subordinate, the next he’s an officer. This thing is backwards as hell.”
ASHLEY
[Playing Billy’s game, what Ashley thinks military speak sounds like.]
“Stow the backtalk, soldier! I need a sit-rep, pronto! What’s the situation?”
BILLY
“ACKNOWLEDGED! WE ARE CURRENTLY CLEARING THE ESTABLISHED BORDERS OF THE KILLZONE. THE COWARDLY ENEMY WAS ILL-PREPARED TO FACE THE MIGHT OF AMERICAN STEEL AND IS REGROUPING. I AM RELUCTANT TO REPORT THAT THE HULL AND SEVERAL ESSENTIAL OPERATING MECHANISMS WERE NOT PRIMED AND IN WORKING ORDER PRIOR TO INITIATING COMBAT-”
ASHLEY
“Shit. How long we got?”
BILLY
“CATASTROPHIC BREAKDOWN: IMMINENT.”
ASHLEY
“That sounds less than great. I wonder how imminent ‘imminent’ is.”
[sound of grinding/breaking sounds as the Annihilator scrapes to a halt]
MEL
“Sounds like imminent meant pretty fucking imminent.”
ASHLEY
“Great.”
MEL
“Could be worse. If we’re out of the Killzone it means we’re safe for now. Gonna be a hell of a walk, though.”
ASHLEY
“Should we go back to Junktown? Get a new truck, maybe?”
MEL
“Naw. We’re a lot closer to Goldengate than we are to Junktown. Besides, being on foot isn’t the worst thing that could happen. Means we get to keep a low profile. If we’re lucky, until we can find a ride along the way, or one you can fix up well enough.”
ASHLEY
“I can already feel the blisters forming as we speak.”
MEL
“You’ll survive. How long’s it going to take you to unhook Billy.”
ASHLEY
“Dunno. It was a patch job to hook him up… kinda risky. If you think we’re okay, I’d like to play it safe. Take a bit of time to make sure that I can detach him without the Annihilator personality coming along for the ride. If I do it too quickly, I could scramble him.”
BILLY
“Oh, dear. I’d much prefer to be… unscrambled, if it’s all the same to you.”
MEL
[sighs]
“Wouldn’t want a scrambled Billy. Alright. Take your time. If you’re quick enough, we’ll put some miles in before we run out of daylight.”
[FADE OUT]